Monday, October 10, 2011

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

Pregnancy loss hits very close to home and I struggled with even talking about it at all. Yet, I know so many that have lost their baby within the first trimester, some who lost theirs in the second, and even a couple that lost theirs at the very end. Even one of my dear friends just lost their baby to SIDS. So this post is for those that have been in or experiencing this now....may God Bless.

July of 2008, we found out, after months of trying, that we were finally pregnant. We told everyone right away, because we were super excited & just knew that everything would be great. Little Buddy was super excited and couldn't wait for "her" arrival...he just knew it would be a girl and named the baby "Kate". Well, of course we wouldn't know for months if he was right so I allowed him to name the anxiously awaited baby. Our family was happy for us and we eagerly set our doctor appointment and waited. I was extremely sick. Morning sickness stayed with me all day and I couldn't hardly eat. I felt terrible but still excited.

The day of my appointment came and I got all dressed up and my husband did too, we were planning on going to lunch to celebrate. We sat on the edge of our seats to be called to the back and we they did I wanted to sprint down the hall. I got up on the silly table where there do the ultrasounds and the magic wand looked for my baby. There in the shadows laid "baby Kate". BUT WAIT!!! There was no heartbeat. Nothing. The nurse sat silent. I held my breath as tears ran down my cheek because I knew something was wrong. I was immediately asked to get dressed and was escorted to a doctors room. Were they told me that I was no longer pregnant. The baby never fully developed. I got in the car and broke down from there and wept all the way home.

Thoughts were flying through my head..."What do I tell everyone?", "Did I cause this?", "How am I going to tell my son?", " What's going to happen now?"...and the faster they came the harder I cried. I decided to have the DNC because I was teaching at the time and didn't want something to happen while I was at school. I remember not liking to have to make that decision. When I told Little Buddy...he broke down completely and cried for weeks. The morning after is when it hit me that I no longer had my baby and I broke down again.

It took a long time for me to heal emotionally. I was never mad at God even though I never, and still don't, understand. I actually turned to Him more during this time. Because I know that ALL GOOD THINGS come from Him and he would NEVER want me to hurt like this. The one that was getting "joy" in it was a murderous thief, the Devil and I refused to give in to thinking that God took my baby away.

I did heal and I will never forget "baby Kate". Little Buddy still talks about "baby Kate". I know that she is in Heaven and Jesus and all my friends and family that are already there are loving on her and telling her what her mommy, daddy and brother are like. That brings me comfort when I am missing her and wishing she was down her with me.

A wife who loses a husband is called a widow.
A husband who loses a wife is called a widower.

A child who loses his parents is called an orphan.
There is no word for a parent who loses a child.
That's how awful the loss is.

- Ronald Reagan

Here is a video I found on another's blog...get some tissues.

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