A day in his shoes

It isn't easy being a mom and when you add in the Autism factor then you definitely can have some hard days. I guess it isn't really about me as much as it is about him. I don't think I ever want to walk in his shoes...but I wish I keep him from getting hurt.

Today, was one of those days when you know that your child is different. I am ALWAYS talking to him about "joining" in with the boys. "Go ahead and join in with them", I say. I want him to have friends and hate that he may feel alone. We role play and come up with different ways to ask if "he can play". Yet, I don't know if we have really covered what happens when the answer is "no". Maybe, because I never thought that they would say no. I just figured someone in the group would say yes. 

Today, I watched from a distance but I could still hear what was being said and my son actually asked to join in on the fun that was about to happen! Yes! He actually asked. My heart was filled with joy because I knew that was hard for him, but HE ASKED!!! At first, they said no politely. So he asked about a specific toy and they told him "If he wanted you to play with that toy then he would have offered that to you. It's his toy". He stood there shocked and a little confused because aren't we supposed to share? That is what he has been taught to do with his friends and with his siblings. He also has been taught this is the right thing to do, you share. I think my heart literally broke as they walked away and never looked back. I quickly gathered my things and played it off like we had plans and had to leave. 

When we reached the car, I told him I was proud of him. I am, really proud. I will never know how hard it was for him to even ask and then to be told "No" anyways. What a huge letdown. I know it's never easy to make friends, I know that it is never easy to be the one left out either. It hurts. It hurts deep. There are no words to describe someone, let alone, a group of kids not wanting you to be a part of them. Not letting you join in. My heart is broken even more because I know their moms. I wonder if I am the only one that actually heard them? 

I want to talk to him about it but really don't know how to. I don't even know where to start. Do I just let it go at that? This is something that happens over and over and over again. I am so ready for him to have a friend. I don't care if he has 10 friends, or 4 friends...I just want him to have one. Then that way I would know that he isn't alone. I don't know how to make that happen, how do I help him find that one? I pray that one will come along. I am so tired of seeing him hurt by kids that consistently "out" him. 

What is really sad is they will never know what an amazing friends he could be. He is loyal, funny, great with Lego's, drawing, and would be a wonderful friend if they would just stop for a minute and say YES! 

Sometimes I need a break...

I love my children more than anyone could ever imagine. I know - every mother says that. But for me it is true. I am with them 24/7. I wake up to them in the morning, whether they are screaming or gently wakening, and feed, play, teach, mother, referee, pray, with them all day until they go back to bed. At that point is when I sit on the couch like a zombie trying to figure out do I want to read and use the last few brain cells that may still be functioning or do I want to just sit there in silence and pray that they sleep. Why pray that they sleep? Because my 3 year old still wakes through the night. She wakes up and cries all through the night, why? I really don't know. Of course, the baby is still wakening through the night, why? I am hoping it's because that is what they are supposed to do, because no one here sleeps. I am not wanting to complain about the no sleep but I may get about 10-15 hours a week. I am exhausted. My body literally hurts and I feel like I am going nuts. In the last couple of weeks I have even given out my phone number and it wasn't even the right number! I also drink way too much coffee in hopes that I will keep up with them.

I think it would be awesome to have someone that could help .It is really hard for me to read how some people have help during the day, or their kids get to go their parents (grandparents) and spend the night, or they get to go on dates, or even to have a trip to the grocery store by themselves. I pray that they never take it for granted. My mom is really sick and isn't able to help like other moms, she does support me emotionally though:). I have family but no one ever offers to help, or they do then they back out. I am to prideful to ask for the help as well. Maybe, it's a two way street? I don't care about having 8 hours of sleep - mainly because my body wouldn't know what to do with that. I just want to go on a date with my husband. I want some one to take the older 2 children for the day (I would mind all 3 but I don't think anyone would). I would love to go sit somewhere and drink a whole cup of coffee while it's still warm. I would love the help.

I debated on writing this but I wanted to not because I want to have a pity party and want everyone to join but because I want another mom that is going through the same thing to know that she is not alone. I know because I am there. I am there and I feel all alone. I feel like my friends may think I am crazy, so they never get the whole story. I feel like my family may think that I am begging for help so I play it off as it's really okay. But I really need a break. I really, really, really do. Yes, I am married but my husband so doesn't understand. He loves coming home and being here, and doesn't understand why I want a few hours to myself. He hasn't seen me all week and I get his side of it but I feel like it's my only chance to go, lol!